I have had dizzy episodes every day since August 9, 2021.  Not your I-stood-up-too-fast dizzy. But a I’m-about-to-fall-over wobbliness, or a I-just-got-off-a-swing-and-the-room-is-still-swinging dizzy. I have been to every doctor and specialist under the sun, and I can tell you one thing for sure:

I. am. tired.

I am so tired of not knowing what exactly is going on. I’m tired of not knowing how long this will last. I’m tired of not understanding why it happened to begin with or why God has me walking this road right now. I also get physically and mentally tired on very dizzy days.

I do have an official diagnosis. The neurologists say it is PPPD. Never heard of it? Me neither. It stands for Persistent Postural Perceptive Dizziness.  I think the older name of Visual Vertigo makes a lot more sense. Basically, it is a twisted dance between real felt dizziness that triggers anxiety. Sometimes they switch places and the anxiety triggers real dizziness sensations.  If the PPPD wasn’t bad enough on its own it exacerbates my pre-existing general anxiety disorder.

I tried the doctor’s recommendations to take more antianxiety medication (which I was already on), do vestibular rehab therapy, and see a counselor. Unfortunately, it is such a unique condition that the doctor did not have any counselors to recommend. They also did not have any way of giving me a timeline for recovery.  Some people take months, others take years. How’d you like to hear that when you feel like you’ve been benched from real life?

Well, fast forward two months of treatment and I was in worse shape than when I started. Anxiety was shooting through the roof, dizziness episodes were lasting days instead of hours, and were getting more intense. I knew I needed to change something when I had growing feelings of overwhelm at the thought of trying to push through another day. Dealing with all of this and not knowing how long it would persist was also putting me into a depression.

My counselor and my doctor decided it was best to try a new approach to healing and had me stay home from work for at least a month. The initial thought of this almost put me over the edge, but so did the thought of continuing to push through my days as normal and with the same load.  That first week home I took so many naps and sat on the couch so much. I needed that break and that space to give my body time to heal.  It was not easy to stop, and especially to get the guilt of missing work to subside, but it was what was best.  God also made it abundantly clear that he was going to provide for me and my family, and even my class during this time.

We reached out to family and friends and let them know what we were going through and that we needed help. They responded in a force of love. Family, school parents, friends, and church family, all are taking turns bringing meals to our house.  God provided the most wonderful long-term substitute to care for my class. My teaching partner stepped in and helped get my substitute up and running and fielded questions. My mom drives me to doctor appointments and my friend picks up the kids from school. My friends near and far send messages, call, and text to encourage and check on me. And God’s family came around me in prayer. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a room full of people pray for just you before, but my Bible study did that one night for me. It was one of the most humbling and caring experiences I have ever had.

My time at home has been a blessing. I am able to have the space I needed to care for my body well with nutrition, rest, and exercise. I am able to do my counseling homework and spend time on life-giving activities like painting and writing. I am developing my ability to listen to my body as it expresses needs and respond to them in a way I could not in the hullabaloo of daily life. God is showing me important things through the rest:

• Healing can’t be hurried
• My worth does not come from what I do, but from whose I am – a child of God
• You can only care for others if you care for yourself
• Take care of yourself when your body whispers or it will learn to yell
• Do not compare yourself to others. Do not compare yourself to others! Really, do not compare yourself to others!!
• Progress is not linear

That last one is one of the hardest to learn. I feel like my physical and emotional progress are quite up and down. As the days ticked by, I am often frustrated at not being able to confidently answer the texts from friends with “Yes, I’m getting better.” Instead, there are many days where both with the anxiety and the dizziness sensations feel like two steps forward, seven steps back. Eventually, and so  s l o w l y, I am beginning to see improvements.

God is helping me to notice that:

I am no longer dizzy in my house during the day most days.

One day I felt like I wanted to write a grocery list and asked a friend to take me to a grocery store (often a big trigger). I did ok with minimal dizziness!

I feel up to driving around the block instead of just sitting in the car in my driveway some days.

I notice I no longer felt guilty resting when my body needed it.

I am starting to look forward to going back to work instead of fearing I will backtrack when I return.
(I have always missed my students and school family though!)

I was only dizzy walking from the car into church on a Sunday and was fine throughout the morning there.

I am able to walk my dog again and some days I even want to. (It is still winter in Michigan 😉)

I am sleeping better.

I am starting to laugh again.

Are there things I still can’t do? Sure, absolutely. If I want to go anywhere outside of my subdivision, I need a ride. I probably can’t even look out the window for the duration of the car ride without feeling wobbly and surreal. I still get tired easily. I still have moments where I’m walking outside in a parking lot or inside a store and I suddenly feel like I’m on a boat and need to hold on to something. I don’t know why or how long these symptoms will continue.  But I do know one thing:

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good!

For years my students and I have ended each day with this saying. I have problems that I would love for God to heal or take away. He is fully capable to do so, and I don’t know why he hasn’t. But I do know that if he doesn’t heal them and never does, He is and will always be good.  Some days I proclaim that with confidence. Other nights I cry to my husband and plead with God to tell me when my healing will come. Then quietly and deliberately I repeat these words and choose to believe them as true when life looks like the opposite.

This saying reminds me of one of my favorite stories in Daniel where Daniel’s friends are about to be thrown into the fiery furnace unless they will forsake God and worship a golden statue.  When asked who this God was that they felt would save them from the king’s wrath, they replied, “We have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18)

I love it! “We don’t need to tell you…” Ha! They had such confidence in their God that they did not even feel the need to explain themselves.  They did though, that God might be glorified through it. They wanted King Nebuchadnezzar to know that no matter what happened, their God was able, good, and worthy of praise. Whether he saved them or not, it was still all true.

And it is still true for me. Whether God delivers me from the emotional pain and frustrations of PPPD and anxiety or not, he is still good.  He is still all powerful, and he still is with me.  He is using this for me to grow me in new and deeper ways, strengthening my faith in him. It’s not easy to accept, but it is true, and that is why I hold to it.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good!

….

Have you had a fiery furnace moment or season in your life? Did you get to see any glimpses of God’s goodness (big or small) or not yet?