I miss writing. I just have stayed away so long because I haven’t known what to say. This fall was quite a roller coaster for me and led to some big changes in my life. Today’s post will be little different as I’ll be sharing a life update with you. I hope that if you are experiencing similar things that you will feel less alone and that you will be encouraged to look for God at work in your life even in the hard situations.

Am I still dizzy?

Thankfully, I have not been dizzy most of the time. Riding in the car is the exception. I have a weird off-balance, blurry vision, slightly delayed vision-tracking sort of dizziness that can vary in intensity moment to moment. So I’m still not really driving more than once or twice a week and I have to really feel up to it. If my symptoms are too intense it just doesn’t feel safe.

How is teaching going?

I actually stopped teaching at the end of October. I loved my school, the students, families, and my co-workers. Teaching just wasn’t a good fit for my health needs. In the summer, I was doing better with anxiety and my depression was next to nothing. My dizziness was staying away and even dizziness in the car was starting to get better. Going back to teaching in the fall, I thought that I was ok and that it would finally be a normal year.

Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. As my stress level rose, my anxiety and depression came back in full force. I was miserable and a felt like a shell of a human being with nothing left to give my family at the end of the day. I wasn’t able to be the wife and mom that I wanted to be. All I did was make it through the day and sleep when I got home. It was not good for me or my family.

I felt bad for leaving mid-year, like I was letting people down, but I knew another leave-of-absence wasn’t what I needed. I needed to completely step away from teaching and the responsibility of 21 individuals who rightfully needed the full attention of their teacher all day. I just didn’t have that to give in this season of life.

So, there you go, maybe more than you wanted to know, but that’s where I was at. It wasn’t the class, they were great, and I loved my school. Peter still works there, and our kids still go there. That community is still a huge part of my family’s life. I also loved teaching, but it just wasn’t a good fit for my declining mental health.

Leaving was one of the scariest decisions I’ve made. However, I felt pushed to make it because I was more afraid of what would happen to me if I kept trying to push through and ignore my mental health state.

Please, please, please take care of yourself. The people in your life love you and want the best for you. If you are not ok – say something, change something, step away, reach out, ask for help. Do whatever you need to do to get the help and care that you need. You matter and you are loved!

You don’t even have to have your next steps all figured out. I didn’t. I knew that I would need to still work, but I had no idea how or what that would look like being that I had only taught and couldn’t currently drive. Lean on your God and your support system and let them help you figure it out, taking it one day at a time.

I am so thankful for my family and friends being a strong support system for me and for taking me seriously. I can not express enough how grateful I am for the care and love I received from everyone as I took care of myself and did what I needed to do. I thought that going through all of this would leave others frustrated with me for letting them down. Instead, I have never felt more loved and supported.

Did I ever feel like God had left me?

Not at all! It was one of the hardest parts of my adult life, but I have seen him everywhere and he has held my hand through it all. Here’s just a few of the ways:

God gave me the courage and wisdom to say something to my mentor, my husband, and my friends who helped me sort through my mucky feelings and take the first difficult steps toward feeling better.

God provided a wonderful teacher who knew the school and the grade level well to step in and take my place.

God loved me well and encouraged me through the kind words of my family, my friends, colleagues, mentors, students, and school families as I got ready to wrap up my time there.

God provided wisdom in budget shifts that we could do to make this work.

God provided a day to apply for jobs. That day led to some interviews. Then, those interviews lead to a job offer, helping me avoid a long time of searching and wondering if and when I would find something.

God provided the most flexible and perfect-for-this-season-of-life new job with a great boss.

God provided unexpected financial gifts helping us to feel even more at peace in adjusting to our new budget.

God provided me with a flexible schedule that has allowed time for space, healing, care for my health, and care for my soul. Equipping me to be the mom and wife I want to be.

God has opened my eyes to how much life really is all in his control and how he cares deeply for me. He has not left me, and he has a purpose for me still even apart from teaching. I am a wife, a mom, a friend, and daughter, and now I am getting to explore the other gifts that he has given me like being an artist.

And I am thankful.

How I’m Doing Now

I feel so much better. My mental health is much better now, too. I feel good and like I can contribute to my family and enjoy them. My kids and my husband are getting the care and attention that they deserve from me. And I am able to take care of myself, which makes these other things possible.

Let’s talk about self-care for a minute. I have been working with a counselor for the last few years, and I have been on antianxiety and antidepression meds for over a year as well. These things are good, but they are not enough self-care to sustain a person on their own. Real self-care also includes getting enough sleep, exercising, spending time with God, spending time with family and friends, and having at least one hobby that you do just for fun. No one can do all of these things all of the time, but doing enough of them regularly is what will help you feel whole.

Leaving teaching was a change I never thought I would make. I thought I would teach in that position until retirement. I don’t know why I couldn’t handle keeping up with the demands of teaching, caring for myself and my family all at once. Others can. That was something I really had to ask for God’s help to let go of and stop comparing myself to others. God answered that prayer, and I can see now that God has different plans for me in this season of life. He may lead me back to the classroom one day, but for now he is leading me somewhere new.

What I’m Doing Now

I have a new part-time job doing patient scheduling for a nutrition office. It’s remote and the hours are flexible. I found it online by God’s grace, and I’m very thankful for it.

When I first started staying home, I decided to spend some time doing things that made my heart happy, to help try and ease the anxiety and depression. I wasn’t feeling like myself so I wanted to do something simple and fun, and something that took me back to the roots of who God made me to be.

For me that meant art.

Art has always been a passion of mine. In many different forms. Drawing and painting mostly but growing up I took any chance to do art that I could get my hands on. I love it so much that I have a room full of art supplies in my basement. I just was lacking the time to ever get down there and use all those fun things. Now, I was in a situation where time was something I had plenty of, so I made an appointment with myself to start each day by creating.

Even though it was November, I started out by doing the simplest and most fun thing I could think of – painting Christmas ornaments while listening to Christmas music. It was low-risk for me as the ornaments were small canvases and I could easily start over if I needed to. I let myself just play and create whatever I felt like and it was so healing. The days I skipped it I could tell it was like I skipped feeding my heart that day. There’s just something life-giving about doing what God gave you a passion for.

I’m still making ornaments, but I’ve pushed myself a little more to include doing custom house paintings on ornaments. I have done a few of these over the years, but I’ve never just taken orders before to sell them. It was kind of scary but also exciting to share these special-memory ornaments with others.

So that’s where I’m at for now. Working some, creating some, caring for myself and my family. I feel so blessed. I feel at peace, full of hope, and a little bit of excitement to see where else God will lead me in this next year. I pray that you are well, that you feel loved, and that your heart is full of hope for the future.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13